My Battle With Infertility & Recurrent Miscarriage Part II !!!

 The second loss was just as painful as the first loss. At this point, I just didn't get it. But the doctor again tried to reassure us that sometimes this happens. It's almost normal to have one or two miscarriages. Well I didn't think it was normal. We decided to wait a while before we tried again, so we just enjoyed each other and being married. When it was time, I decided to go back on Clomid since it worked before. The first and second cycle did not work, but on the third cycle it did. It was kind of a strange too. I remember vividly like if it was yesterday, how we were traveling to Oklahoma with my mother to visit with family. All I wanted to do was sleep the whole trip. And boy did I too. Chip made a few comments about it but it didn't dawn on me why I was so exhausted all the time. I seriously thought I was just gearing up for my period because my boobs were hurting so bad. When we were headed back home, we stopped at a convenience store for a potty break and wouldn't you know that aunt Flo showed up. By the time we got home I was still so very hormonal and very tired. I went to the little girls room to take care of business and noticed that I hadn't bled anymore. This was really strange, but figured I was stressed or something. About a week had passed and I still never started so I was pretty now. I remembered that I had a spare pregnancy test so I decided why not. I was shocked when it came back positive because frankly I wasn't expecting a positive result. I ended up just sitting in my bathroom for a while just crying my eyes out. I didn't know how I felt. For sure I knew I was scared shit less but I honestly couldn't say that I had that overwhelming joy this time like I did before. By the time I found Chip in the other room, I was still crying. He was really confused until I showed him the stick.
The trip to the doctor's office was very different this time around. When he confirmed the pregnancy he decided to ultrasound me, but I was still pretty early so we were unable to see the little bean. I was instructed to come back in 48 hours to repeat my blood work to make sure that my beta numbers were increasing and doubling. He explained how this was extremely important because it will determine how viable the pregnancy is. So two days later I went back to the office and repeated my blood work. They called me later that afternoon and told me that the number did go up but that I had to go back and repeat my blood work again in another 48 hours. Now I need to enlighten this topic by telling a very funny story. Poor Chip is a little sensitive when it comes to seeing others blood. The girl that was trying to do my blood draw was having a very hard time getting my veins to corporate. She ended up sticking me like 3 times in one arm, moved to the other arm and repeated but still nothing. At this point she was really hurting me. So I asked nicely if there was someone else that could try because it was really starting to hurt. The head nurse came in and decided to just use a butterfly needle because i had been poked already so much she didn't want to hurt me anymore. For those not familiar with the butterfly needle, its a very small needle connected to a small tube that feeds into the vial. Success on the first attempt!! BUT she needed something and I can't remember what it was, so she asked Chip to hold my vial of blood while the needle was still in my arm. The look on his face was priceless. One minute he looked from me to the vial in his hand and the next he was laid out on the floor passed out cold. I have to catch the vial that was dangling from my arm, all the while laughing my ass off. I could not believe that my big strong husband had just fainted. It actually took them using smelling salts to revive him. Poor Chip, he does not find this story funny at all, but everyone else did!!!
We had to keep doing the blood work every 48 hours over the next week. It was very stressful and nerve wracking to say the least, so we decided  to not celebrate until we knew for sure that everything would be ok. I think it's because deep down I knew that it wouldn't be. And I hate to say that I was right because I woke up one morning to find that I started spotting. This just crushed me you guys. I wanted to believe so badly that I was wrong and just being negative. The next day I went back to the doctor, repeated blood work and was told to go back home and elevate my legs and try and relax until they called me with my results. Yeah right, easier said than done. But I did try. My mind was racing all over the place. I remember just praying so hard and even tried talking to the little guy inside me begging it to be strong and to please try and fight for us. By late that afternoon I got the phone call that confirm our worst fear. My numbers dropped from the last result and I was having another miscarriage. At this point, I finally broke. I just could not understand why this kept happening to us. What was wrong with me? Why did this keep happening to us? I mean, we are both Christians. We're not drug addicts, or alcoholics. We're not bad people that hurt others, or do bad things. So why did I keep losing our babies? Was I not woman enough? I remember breaking down to Chip one night, telling him that I would understand if he didn't want to be with me anymore. That I would not be able to give him any children to carry on his name. I didn't think it was fair for him to have to stay with me. Well he just looked at me and then told me to shut up and smiled. He pulled me to him and just held me. He told me that he wouldn't go anywhere and that it didn't matter to him if we didn't ever have kids. What matters is that he loved me and was perfectly happy with it just being us. God I love this man!!!
I was still pretty depressed for some time after all this. We decided not to really tell anyone that we were pregnant until we knew for sure that it would be ok. So we didn't have to worry about making those terrible phone calls. I know that my parents  have always worried for me. They both have made comments that maybe it was them that passed something on to me when I was born. They both feel so guilty that this kept happening to me.
Of course I still had the depression lingering, but I also had my best friend and soul mate with me to help me through it. Now, I have mentioned myself and how I was always feeling. But I haven't mentioned Chip and how hard it was for him as well. . He told me that he couldn't really mourn the pregnancy losses yet, that he was too busy making sure that I was going to be ok first. But that he is dealing with it in his own way. We've always kind of left it at that, but inside I knew how much this was tearing him up too.

About six months after losing our third pregnancy, I started having the severe pains again. I tried to ignore them but they got so bad that I couldn't put it off any longer. I ended up going to a new OBGYN and instantly fell in love with her. She was just awesome. After going through all my history, she completed her exam and then sent me to ultrasound. There they found that I had a huge cyst on one of my ovaries that was the size of a small apple apparently. I was scheduled for surgery #3 a few days later. After I was released, Chip told me they removed the cyst and that there was a lot of endometriosis again. I was so tired of my body. I hated it. Why couldn't I just be a normal girl? I wake up almost every day asking this question. But then I snap out of it and think how lucky I am to have a wonder husband and a wonderful family. I also have a wonderful puppy named Buckshot, who heals some of that emptiness and heartache I always carry around.

Life went back to normal for us after a while. We bought our first house that year. We both had great jobs. Things were pretty good. Life was good and we were happy. So when my hubby told me that after talking with his cousin who had just very recently moved with his family to South Carolina with his job; that maybe we could move there too. I was like...umm.ok sure honey. I didn't think he was that serious but he was. We spent some time on the Internet looking at pictures of this small town they lived in and we both just fell in love with it. So decision made, we sold our house, Chip turned in his two week notice and we were moving to South Carolina just for the hell of it. We ended up renting an apartment in the complex our cousins lived in there since we really had no clue what we were gonna do once we got there. Chip and I said goodbye to our cute little house and I watched him as he pulled away in a Uhaul with all our stuff heading for Aiken, SC. I actually had to stay behind to continue to work and earn income until he settled in there and secured a job. This was the hardest part for me because we have never been away from one another before. So Buckshot and I stayed with my mother for about a month or two. Well ok...that was the plan but I only made it a little more than two weeks before I couldn't take being away from Chip any more. So with my mom's help, we packed up what little stuff I still had into my SUV and headed for Aiken.  Our new and fresh start to something... I guess!!!

Part III to continue tomorrow-
Miscarriage #4 that nearly killed me